i was talking this morning with david and we both could see how, in our experiences growing up in church, it was a constant decision to not emote/feel/express... so now we're weeding out that grey-ness to try and see if we can live in color. i envy the brothers and sisters around me who are worshiping and engaged, who love Jesus and can get excited about it. who can fuck up but who know we get grace. its important to me to know that i can go there. i edit myself so often, i need to express myself with a word some friends won't like and will tell me not to use. it doesn't matter. its what i'm feeling... my issue with those friends is they have decided not to feel that. or to pretend they don't. the problem with that is, i did that for years and it just got me to a point where i wasn't feeling. so i need it. other friends are reading this right now and laughing at me, and that's alright too. flaws and warts.
spike helps:) he's such a loving dog... he makes me laugh how silly he is. its weird, after years of pleading to get a dog, jenny finally allowed it and now she does the larger share of taking care of the little guy. she's awesome. whatever- i didn't write that thinking "oh she'll read this and it'll get points".. screw it, i'm not taking it out! :-D i hate feeling conflicted, but whatever. its just what is on my mind so i'm trying to brain dump a little. i'll have to write a dot-dot-dot again soon... more brain dumping.
3 comments:
I just want you to know that I feel you here and I totally get it. I fuck up too and I need grace constantly. I struggle with living in color too.
Great news about the job - awesome!!
N8- I just have to Thank You sincerely, for being so real and expressing to others a very important TRUTH-- that a "Christian" can say, think, do, be and most importantly, "express" what is genuinely inside ALL of us human beings, and that simply "talking in scripture" doesnt prove one is "closer to God" than another-it is refreshing to hear someone with a "uniqueness" rather than talking and thinking like so many others--"pretending" Godliness- So many of today, "pretend" through a veil that is transparent to everyone around them, then they judge the "speck" in their neighbor's eye without first taking the log out of their own.
I love reading your thoughts on your blog- so thankful you are maintaining the unique individualism we fell I love with when we first met Nate Brink... I can't wait to read what you write next! You have a sincere and kind and genuine humility about you- don't ever be fooled into covering it up- if I had a chance to raise babies all over, sort of a "second chance" I would definitely focus more on teaching them to seek to find the Lord in all they do, see or plan, and to learn to critically evaluate life for themselves! I would balance this with sharing -not indoctrinating them- with what I and others think, (not making this the only way to think or look at things, as I fear from time to time I did as a parent (keeping my inner spiritual struggles to myself)-(pretending)
I would encourage them to Be OK with being "different" from the masses- and to Live Without Fear. God fosters love and liberty- (spirit of law)and not fear and bondage (letter of law). As I am so thankful your personality displays you embody this godly individualism.. Keep it up!
must.make.font.larger.
I totally forgot about your blog and then saw it in my email (odd)
Congrats on the job front!
Never worry about what other people think -- its just you and God.
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